Who the heck knows.
Are you there?
I don’t understand.
Life moves on so quickly
All while you are still not here
How does that even work
And is this even possible?
Gone.
Someone that had so much wisdom and knowledge to spread
Someone who was so involved in this world
Someone who spoke words to surrounding professionals and loved ones.
Gone.
You were present
You were seen
You are now an absence
Although it feels normal
It does not feel right.
Gone.
I am here
I see your eyes
I notice your facial expressions in my own
In my sons.
I cannot talk to you about our memories
This new language has no meaning
Because you are not here.
Gone.
The reality stings my eyes every time
How have I not yet moved on while everyone keeps moving forward
No one else seems to talk about this
How does someone lose somebody so important
While people go on living like it never happened.
Gone.
I don’t expect check ins
I don’t want superficial moments with others
But how do you just escape people’s minds
Your name doesn’t resurface as often as it is deserved
I try not to be resentful
There is something morbidly isolating yet special about the dead dad’s club.
Gone.
I know I do not think about you as often as I would like
Is that avoidance
Is that living
Is this “acceptance”
Is this “integration”
How does it feel like a betrayal of who you were
How can I keep moving at such a fast pace while yearning to slow things down?
Gone.
Death is strange
I saw you
With my own eyes
For 30 years, I saw you
You were alive
You were here
Then one day, it was the last day I saw your chest move up and down
I heard you mumble in your deep slumber
How do you go from living to dead?
Gone.
Where did you go?
How does a body exist without a person inside
People speak of souls existing outside of their body
That does not even make sense
How am I supposed to believe when I do not have a belief system
I do not have a foundation for what happens after death
And honestly, who the heck knows?
Gone.
Where are you actually at?
How do we know so many things about life and humans,
Yet I cannot figure out where you are.
Am I supposed to feel you here
I don’t
Why can’t I feel you nearby
How am I supposed to honor you
Do you even hear me
Do you see what I am doing now
Do you hear me when I talk
Do you see what I am building
The words I write
The parent I am becoming
Do you witness my accomplishments
Express honor over my parenting
Watch as I struggle
Watch as I process
Do you watch as I grow a life worth living?
Gone.
How do I explain this the right way to my children
When I cannot explain it to myself
How do you not know my children
The one who was young
The one who arrived after you left
Does my youngest carry any sense of you at all.
Gone.
I want to feel your presence
People say to just believe it if it happens
I don’t need constant remembrance
But I don’t understand how you fade from my thoughts
Death is weird
I guess it just is that
I don’t have to accept it
While also knowing that this is just how the cycle of living works.
Until I know more, living in this uncertainty can be coped with.
Even if it sucks.
